My History

Despite my tendency to fall in love easily and my long-standing obsession with the opposite sex, I haven't exactly had much dating experience. I fell in love for the first time when I was 3 years old... He was nine and most certainly didn't return my feelings. From the age of 10 onward I'd say there were typically at least 4-5 guys on my mind in various fashion... Lots of mooning over people who didn't notice me (which was how I preferred it! Usually....) As I grew up I observed myself and wondered at my silly strong feelings. There seemed no end to guys I inevitably found attractive and began to care deeply for (not necessarily in that order). My excitement about this guy never seemed to diminish my attraction to that guy. I found it unusual. I began to call myself "flighty" or "fickle" and ascribed it to some deep character flaw.

With all that, my relationship tally at nearly 40 years old is like 5, And I have no expectation that the number will change. A proclivity towards many loves (polyamory) in no sense increases one's time or capacity, nor means that anyone will "fit" in your life, no matter how you may love them. Two partners are enough, and twice more than I'd honestly expected.

I mean, I had to ask my older brother's friend to prom because I had nobody to go with... I was not considered desirable for the majority of my growing up years. Part of me always found that to be a relief. I suspected it kept life simple, and I had scant trust in my own willpower. Being "fickle" meant I wouldn't hold boundaries and I might even cheat on someone I loved by accident. I was largely relieved that there wasn't opportunity to test my resolve.

Yet there were people...

At 9 years old I had a boyfriend and we would sneak away to kiss.... Our families hung out with relative frequency (every couple of weeks) and I think we dated for as long as 10 months potentially. I'm counting that as relationship one. 

At 12 I dated one of my very best friends. He was so sweet. Once again it was a secret (my parents were very much against my romantic proclivities.) He left a lovely Valentine in my backpack at school, and we dated for about 6 months. Lots of conversation and affection, and a few stolen kisses and cuddles. 

I broke up with him because he didn't want children, and was avidly anti-Christian. As much as I adored him, I knew that wouldn't work for me long term. In my vast 12-year-old wisdom, I left a note in his shoe when he was over hanging out with my brother, telling him we couldn't date anymore.

He called me crying. I'm told I broke his heart. I know that mine was broken too... I don't fall out of love really. Maybe I should have thought about that when I was calling myself "fickle." 

Thus ended relationship two, and began 7 years of nobody being interested in me. It was sometimes disheartening, but part of me always felt safe. I did fall in love, of course, but it was never returned.

Phil and my other longest relationship basically happened simultaneously.... Although the other relationship became primarily platonic for quite a few years due to my dating and marrying Phil. When it once again became romantic, we moved forward with Phil's blessing. The intimacy was very on and off again and I had little say in... well.... anything. My request for that to change triggered a return to "platonic only," and in fall 2021 there was a rather catastrophic breakup. There's the end of relationship three, with relationship four (Phour?) holding strong.

God blessed me so much with Phil. I can't highlight that enough. We have been through the ringer in so many ways, and his love for me has only grown more beautiful.

In 2019 I realized I was in love again, and that he returned the feelings. That's not something I was accustomed to... Unrequited love has been much more common (and safe!). Timing being as it was, we didn't decide to date for another two years. Since 2021 I've known that I intend to have him in my life, for the rest of my life.

Thus ends my relationship history.

5 is a beautiful number... The square root of 25, super easy to count by...

5X5 as Faith would say.

(Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference)