My Partner

"He really values you. I can see it. That's good enough for me." ~ Phil, 2021

In 2019 Joseph and I had been working at Musicfest together for 9 summers. We had developed mutual respect and understanding, and worked as an extremely effective, comfortable and complimentary team. 

I don't know that we'd really ever spoken. 

Oh, we'd talked about the festival frequently and a bit about his life once or twice. I'd listened while he spoke to others, and this one time, years ago, I overheard him compliment me. (Be still my beating heart!)

I'd told him to sleep more and he'd told me to eat something. 

But our free time almost never lined up, and that was OK. "Safe" a part of me always whispered.

In 2019 we really spoke. He shared about his polyamorous lifestyle, discussing his struggles and hopes. I opened up about mine, something I'd literally never revealed outside of Phil before. We talked for hours, whenever time would allow, and late into the night. If someone had asked me before then if I loved Joseph, I would have said yes, but never imagined he might love me back. I fall in love easily, it doesn't change anything. 

Then we hugged, and I knew. It was like the movies... Time stopped and all I could feel was our breathing. 

It felt like forever, that hug that was more than a hug. As soon as we unclasped, we both moved quickly apart and away, sitting on the dew-soaked grass, equally breathless. "I'm going to talk to Phil" I said. "Good idea" he replied. 

Nothing was decided that weekend, and we kept our distance, physically at least. The discussion, however, continued.

He told me to stand up for myself, to ask for agency and advocate for the freedom to have my needs met. He said I deserved to be a part of decision making in all aspects of my life and relationships. He told me I was amazing and desirable. I told him he deserved to be happy and that his brain was fascinating, and we explored the many, many things we had in common. 

I'd been watching this man parent his kids, love his wife, run his business and serve his community for almost 10 years. I admired him deeply. Suddenly he wanted to be with me and I had no idea what to do. We texted for a week or so after the festival, exploring possibilities.

Luckily, the decision was removed from me. His wife told him no and the last thing I wanted was to cause issues, so we stopped chatting and returned to our normal lives. Covid set in before the next festival would have placed us together again, making those normal lives look anything but, and I spared him only the occasional thought. I was relieved that the festival wouldn't happen. Surely a couple of years would take the edge off of these feelings. I consigned the whole mess to God, and moved on.

Late summer 2020 Joseph contacted me and said he was going to begin dating in September, and would I consider exploring a relationship with him? Oh, there were those pesky feelings again.

I immediately took it to prayer, and the answer was no. Solid, undeniable, God told me no. 

Oh, it was difficult. I went for solitary drives and cried and prayed and hoped. I was broken before God for between a week and ten days, asking for the answer to change. Finally I emailed Joseph a long and heartfelt, apologetic refusal. 

My fall was busy, we were planning a move to the island. Building a life for our kids. Once again I thrust him to the back of my mind, and there he stayed.

Until he died. 

It was my birthday when his wife called, and I'd already been having a difficult day. My sister had endured a serious trauma and I was supporting her to the best of my capacity. I took a break to pick the kids up from school, and my phone rang in the parking lot.

Joseph had committed suicide and been revived twice, and was now stable in hospital. 

There are no words, but I offered what support I could to her over the phone. Then I hung up, dropped the kids at home, and took my sister somewhere safe. 

Then, alone in the car, I began to scream. 

My own emotions often take me by surprise... I was screaming and praying, a mix of fear for my sister and deep sadness for Joseph. I prayed for them both, without fancy words, just deep anguish and love. So much love. 

When the storm passed, I decided I would check in and see if I could support him and his wife in any way. 

That's how we moved forward, with friendship and with me supporting his marriage more than personal interaction. We were careful not to discuss more than that, and after I moved closer, we were careful not to be alone. 

Then, unexpectedly, we were alone. And everything... everything was not only as strong as it had been in 2019, but even stronger. He explained he was going to be entering into an additional relationship no matter what, and he'd like for it to be me. I told him I needed time to think. I discussed with Phil how I was likely a good choice since I would support his marriage, and he was so lonely... and oh, how I loved him.

This time when I asked, God was quiet. I begged Him to say no, and He just said... Love. I asked if it would be safe and He just said... Be. I asked Phil again and Phil told me to go where my heart was leading me. He said that, as long as we both agreed not to tell anyone else, as far as he was concerned we could date if we wanted to.

And I really did. 

This time I accepted Joseph. I accepted myself. I accepted his love, and shared my own. Our relationship looked like encouraging text messages and shared songs. It was developed through a couple of hours of connection on Tuesday mornings, when we could arrange it, on my time off from the house. I saw him about 3 times per month starting in April.

July came and I only saw him twice. Life was busy.

In August I injured my back and saw him not at all. He was beside himself wanting to come and take care of me, carry me to the bathroom and make sure I was OK. I laughed and crawled myself around and kept moving forward. The idea that I would need someone.... It was silly. (Plus, nobody carries me!) Joseph was just icing on the cake of my life, I told myself. Sweet and wonderful, but not essential. 

As my life changed, that changed. He became an integral part of the cake, and I had to admit that I needed someone else in a way that surprised me.

Finally I decided to tell everyone. 

After we'd been together for two years, I didn't want to hide anymore. We were moving in, going all in, and I was ready to come out. 

"It won't be so bad," he told me. "Your family will see that you are happy. It will take them some time, but they will get there."

My sweet, optimistic dessert. I knew. I knew that to have this man, to truly be open about what our family now looked like was to give up something important. I was stepping off of the pedestal. I was choosing to forever forego the esteem and regard of my family of origin, and members of my religious community. 

As much as I needed Joseph, Phil did too. And our kids. We needed this life, this family. What was left was for me to stand strong and step away from deception. What was left was for me to stop hiding.

It was also right.

And the thing about choosing Joseph... I've never been stronger. 

Truth may bring pain, but it always sets me free.

My History

Despite my tendency to fall in love easily and my long-standing obsession with the opposite sex, I haven't exactly had much dating experience. I fell in love for the first time when I was 3 years old... He was nine and most certainly didn't return my feelings. From the age of 10 onward I'd say there were typically at least 4-5 guys on my mind in various fashion... Lots of mooning over people who didn't notice me (which was how I preferred it! Usually....) As I grew up I observed myself and wondered at my silly strong feelings. There seemed no end to guys I inevitably found attractive and began to care deeply for (not necessarily in that order). My excitement about this guy never seemed to diminish my attraction to that guy. I found it unusual. I began to call myself "flighty" or "fickle" and ascribed it to some deep character flaw.

With all that, my relationship tally at nearly 40 years old is like 5, And I have no expectation that the number will change. A proclivity towards many loves (polyamory) in no sense increases one's time or capacity, nor means that anyone will "fit" in your life, no matter how you may love them. Two partners are enough, and twice more than I'd honestly expected.

I mean, I had to ask my older brother's friend to prom because I had nobody to go with... I was not considered desirable for the majority of my growing up years. Part of me always found that to be a relief. I suspected it kept life simple, and I had scant trust in my own willpower. Being "fickle" meant I wouldn't hold boundaries and I might even cheat on someone I loved by accident. I was largely relieved that there wasn't opportunity to test my resolve.

Yet there were people...

At 9 years old I had a boyfriend and we would sneak away to kiss.... Our families hung out with relative frequency (every couple of weeks) and I think we dated for as long as 10 months potentially. I'm counting that as relationship one. 

At 12 I dated one of my very best friends. He was so sweet. Once again it was a secret (my parents were very much against my romantic proclivities.) He left a lovely Valentine in my backpack at school, and we dated for about 6 months. Lots of conversation and affection, and a few stolen kisses and cuddles. 

I broke up with him because he didn't want children, and was avidly anti-Christian. As much as I adored him, I knew that wouldn't work for me long term. In my vast 12-year-old wisdom, I left a note in his shoe when he was over hanging out with my brother, telling him we couldn't date anymore.

He called me crying. I'm told I broke his heart. I know that mine was broken too... I don't fall out of love really. Maybe I should have thought about that when I was calling myself "fickle." 

Thus ended relationship two, and began 7 years of nobody being interested in me. It was sometimes disheartening, but part of me always felt safe. I did fall in love, of course, but it was never returned.

Phil and my other longest relationship basically happened simultaneously.... Although the other relationship became primarily platonic for quite a few years due to my dating and marrying Phil. When it once again became romantic, we moved forward with Phil's blessing. The intimacy was very on and off again and I had little say in... well.... anything. My request for that to change triggered a return to "platonic only," and in fall 2021 there was a rather catastrophic breakup. There's the end of relationship three, with relationship four (Phour?) holding strong.

God blessed me so much with Phil. I can't highlight that enough. We have been through the ringer in so many ways, and his love for me has only grown more beautiful.

In 2019 I realized I was in love again, and that he returned the feelings. That's not something I was accustomed to... Unrequited love has been much more common (and safe!). Timing being as it was, we didn't decide to date for another two years. Since 2021 I've known that I intend to have him in my life, for the rest of my life.

Thus ends my relationship history.

5 is a beautiful number... The square root of 25, super easy to count by...

5X5 as Faith would say.

(Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference)

My Husband

 "Would it make you happy?"

His deep brown eyes gazed up at me earnestly. My sounding board. My support.

"Um... Like... Dating him? I don't know.... Maybe?"

"Then you should look into it. See if it would work."

His love for me was overwhelming. It still is. Phil doesn't require me to be anyone other than who I am, even when things don't quite line up between us. Rather than forcing it, we make space for each other. 

Our second most meaningful song? "Save the last dance for me."

He told me in 2012 during a similar discussion "I never imagined I would have you to myself. I see you, how you love people. How you never stop moving. I maybe didn't expect to share you in this way, but I always knew I'd be sharing you."

I asked him then if he truly was OK with me being romantically engaged outside of our marriage bed. If he'd really not be jealous or hurt. "Will you leave me?" He asked, voice steady, eyes steadier. 

"Never!" I tried as best I could to infuse all of the truth inside my skin into that one word. All of the prodigious will my stubborn Dutch heart could muster. 

And he knew. We were safe.

Fast forward to 2019, in a dark tent at 3 am I woke Phil and told him that I'd just hugged my friend and co-coordinator of 9 years goodnight, and it had become something more than a hug while still being nothing more than a hug... That we'd sat down on the grass deliberately apart from each other to breathe when it was over, and stared with new eyes... That I thought maybe I loved him... 

And my incredible husband's only question was "Would it make you happy."

Two years, much soul-searching, prayer and discussion later I actually did start dating Joseph... But that's a story for another day. 

To Phil, as we begin year 17

It was our anniversary on Friday. Unfortunately, the day had other plans, and we weren't able to celebrate. Saturday, on the other hand, was perfect. We drove some friends into Nanaimo, and shared a poke bowl. I found a park I loved for us to walk through, and there on the cliffside, out of his comfort zone, as he's so often endured through the years, I read him a letter and gave him a gift. 

I'm so blessed to have this man. I guess I should just paste the letter here, so I don't end up rewriting it: 

To say that you have grown in the years since we said “I do” is an understatement. You have multiplied, both literally and metaphorically. When I say literally, I mean our offspring.... I don’t think you’ve gained so much as a pound. The only thing preventing me from princess-carrying you around nowadays is the state of my back.

You have taken the love that we started with, and multiplied it. The exponents you keep using are things like selflessness, consideration, and support. Your desire to grow and improve was one of the things that most impressed me about you when we were getting to know each other, and I hadn’t the slightest idea how much I’d benefit from it! You’ve painstakingly learned my favourite things, endured and even joined in with my quirky sense of humour, and began to embrace (tentatively) the genre of horror. On our road together, I never doubt that you are behind me, sometimes rolling your eyes, but always ready to watch my back and add your strength when mine is failing. 

You have taken your own capacity and multiplied it. Watching you become a father to our babies, and overcome your aversion to germs time and time again was impressive enough. Now, I watch you swallow your pride and admit to our children when you were wrong. I see you set aside your feelings and work harder to do the right thing for them. There I stand, wide-eyed, as you take deep breaths and move through painful situations, where I’ve said something to hurt you, and you are determined to walk straight ahead, holding my hand, despite my mistake. You “wow” me.

You have taken the promises that you made to me, and multiplied them.  As this stage of our lives unfolds, you are stepping into roles that were never your life plan, and you are doing it because it’s what we need. You are committed to being the best husband that you can be. Phil, you have committed yourself to me despite my flaws and missteps, and you keep deepening that commitment. Husband, recognizing and acknowledging how fully  you belong to me is one of the proudest moments of my life.

16 years married... 18 years since that night under the stars when I breathlessly asked if you liked me back, my heart pounding in my chest,  and you are more mine today than you have ever been. Thank you for the gift of your love. Thank you for the gift of your capacity. And most of all, thank you for the gift of yourself.

Philippe John Duprey, I’m so honoured to have you as my husband. The years ahead can only get better; of this I’m sure. 

I cried a bunch, and barely made it through reading. 

Then I climbed a tree and sat on the cliff and we took some pictures, and he stayed safely back from the cliff with his feet firmly on the ground, and I took some pictures... 

I think one of the biggest reasons we've worked as well as we do is that we compliment each other so. Our differences make us stronger, and in respecting (while at times lovingly mocking) those differences we appreciate the other's strength and the way we shore each other up. 

At the end of the day, neither of us are going anywhere. At the very least, I know I'm not, and I'm kinda stronger than him so..... he's stuck. 

37

We never know, moment by moment, where we will be. Year by year is even more of a mystery. 

Thirty-Seven years old. Will this year mirror the joys/changes/pressures revealed by Thirty-six? It was an admittedly much more poetic age, the second digit doubling the first... all swirls and curves... 36... 

Now 37. starts off rounded but quickly comes to a point. Almost jagged, that 7. Prime. The number of perfection... that phrase always twists at the cracks in my heart, now. 

But I'm not dwelling on grief, I'm exploring my new age. 

37. I'm up to date on my homework, completing my BA with a major in psychology. I dropped the English extended minor. When I reapplied to UFV in the summer I found that they had changed the structure of my program. It took some discussion, but I was given permission to be "grandfathered" in by the dean (that made me feel old) blessed to pursue my degree under the old structure.

I like feeling old. It's powerful.

I'm working as a youth support worker. Another blessing; I often have some free time at my job and it's perfectly acceptable to do homework. And, it's still easier than being at home. Sweeping someone else's floor is always more rewarding, for some reason.

My kids are doing well in their school routines. Sometimes it hurts my heart, but I'm still mom, whether I'm with them 24/7 or 7/24 most days.

A couple of incredibly dear friends have had brand new babies, and that always renews my excitement for the world. Life through new eyes...

The people I love most in my life are steadily becoming closer and more indispensable to me, no matter how I may fight within myself to remain independent and nonchalant. Connection... I'm so blessed.

And I'm the mother of a teen. She who made me mom just before 24. She is becoming so completely herself. I'm blessed to be a witness/guide as she truly blossoms.

37. Thirty-Seven. It's prettier written, but whichever way you put it, it's my new reality. A friend gave me a beautiful glass tree of courage, she says I've been so brave this year. Taken on so much. 

I think also, I've let go of so much.

Goodbye, 36. Your lessons will not fail me. through you, God brought me joys I couldn't have imagined, connections I treasure, and tasks that give me purpose. 

I step into 37 determined to become a grownup with a career. I'm on the road to 40. 

It's a steep climb, but I'm not looking back. 

Changes

 Not all dreams come to fruition, not all adventures go as planned. We (the Dupreys) moved off of Quadra on October 1st, 2021.

It's been an emotional journey, but we are working to find our place as a single family again. Since Phil was working under-the-table at the time, we didn't qualify for a rental, so a dear friend offered us space in his driveway and we used some of our tiny-home fund to buy a travel trailer. Our current location is Courtenay but I won't say more due to bylaw infractions 😂

The kids and I are taking a healthy step back from stringent requirements, and have been unschooling or de-schooling for the past few months. We needed it to adjust to the small living space, and let emotions settle down. Now, I'm starting to work in daily learning again, and I'm optimistic. 

De-schooling looked like: 

• Including them in the work of budgeting and grocery shopping, (financial planning, math, problem-solving, delayed gratification) 

• Days spent playing Magic the Gathering online together (emotional regulation, self-control/impulse control, reading comprehension, strategy, basic math) 

• Sorting my friend's extensive collection of Magic cards (often complex alphabetical order, attention to detail, classification and sounding out long and unfamiliar words/names)

• Daily dishes and laundry together. (basic care/maintenance for human beings)

• Weekly visits to the local pool, unsupervised by me (teamwork, time management, independence, problem solving, social skills)

• Reading, together and independently. 

We burned through Percy Jackson book one, Harry Potter book 5, The Black Stallion, and are now into The Black Stallion returns. Asher is an avid reader, getting into novels now. Micah still prefers non-fiction like National Geographic fact books and Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Rose is still back and forth between non-fiction/informational books, Chicken-soup books, and children's novels. All of them love graphic novels, and will devour any I find in an afternoon.

Phil has a job with a security firm based out of Campbell River. He commutes 45 minutes each way some days, other days he's working in town, and sometimes as far afield as Parksville. He's learning lots of interesting software and becoming familiar with various power tools, and even helped out a locksmith for a week. For fun, he's been designing a board game, and running with our friend. Phil's registered for a half-marathon this spring. Micah has started run/walking with him, proud to do 5.5km in less than an hour. (Phil runs ahead then back to join him, ending up doing a much longer rout)

Rose cooks and bakes every time she has the opportunity, her dearest wish is for us to have a proper kitchen again, and we are excited for the day when we will. For now, we have friends who let us use theirs and share in the bounty, so it's win-win! She's crocheting a corner-to-corner blanket, and it's already almost as tall as she is.

God's plan for our future home is yet unknown, but we are taking advantage of a safe space and an opportunity to put away money, hopefully for a down payment, rentals being so expensive and difficult to find right now. I'm working once a week with a lovely autistic little one, and life is slowly finding a semblance of order. (as if order was ever in the cards for me!) Phil assures me that the adventure is why he married me, which reminds me that we are both crazy, and that's what we love about each other.  God's got us, and that's enough.

Beautiful Moments

My lovely roommates gifted Phil and I with an evening off last night. We walked along Rebecca Spit (Phil revived my dad's favorite joke "Don't you dare!" when we passed the sign) and it was stunning! There hasn't been enough time spent soaking up the wonder of our specific position in the universe right now, and that's been a shame. The wonder is overwhelming!

Of course, I found a lovely tree to climb, and Phil laughed at my childish antics. I continually remind him that he chose this...

We discussed where my adventurous nature came from, and how this whole insanity is going. It's going well. 

And I marveled again at this man who left everything behind in Ontario and moved across the country because he thought that I'd be fun to spend the rest of his life with.

 (sucker!)

 

Property and projects have been progressing nicely, if delayed frequently by downpours. The weather here is so variable, often we have showers, sunshine, and even hail, then back again on an hourly basis. Eleah looked at the raindrops sparkling in the sunshine the other day, then at me and said "I know why you like it here! The weather is as crazy as you are." 

We had the sea-cans moved onto position last week. Their foundations are screw-piles, and turned out to be cheaper and more stable than a cement pad would be. 

Now to paint them green, cut out/frame in and install doors and windows, do electrical, build walls, make built-in bunk beds, paint and decorate, and move children and furniture. We hope to be done by June!

In the meantime, spring break has begun, and there have been enough clear days to give us a taste of what summer may be like. I have to say, it's delicious!